How to write rubbish LinkedIn posts.

Q. Hi L- Tim,

I have no idea what to post on LinkedIn. What shall I do?

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A.

Lost for words but still have an urge to put them out there?

Look at you, you bad [Insert however you identify here]

You’ll do anything for those luscious likes.

Those coy comments.

And sensual shares.

*shudders*

It’s enough to make my line graph shoot along your X, right up to Y.

If you know what I mean.

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Add some wiggly eyebrows and you have lady Tim.

I will share my tips, wisdom and insights to make sure whatever you post on Linkedin, is still utter nonsense.

I’m not being paid to do it, so you need to pay your ‘thankful taxes’ and name your next pet after me or something.

Remember your target audience.

Click home on LinkedIn, and look at the name under your tastefully cropped holiday / bar photo.

It’s your name.

It’s also the answer to the question below.

“Who should you think about first in every post you make?”

If your post isn’t scratching your ego, what’s the point in posting it?

It’s your post, isn’t it?

Likes = Good

The reader doesn’t care, and they’re certainly too stupid to write anything themselves, aren’t they? You’re doing people a favour by posting at all, so don’t worry about “point” or “purpose” too much.

Everyone's just grateful to have something to read.

Your job is to be seen more than anyone else. That’s how you win.

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From the #timfluencer tour of 2019.

Be original.

Ha, kidding, originality is dead. We have dictionaries full of every word you will ever say.

Don’t worry.

Take the Edison route to fame. Be second, but louder.

Look at posts people are putting up that do well.

Do they inspire you?

Are thoughts, emotions, and debate stirred up from these?

Perfect.

Repost that bad boy, and you’re well on your way to free likes.

Congratulations, you’re now an influencer with no work, research or clue.

It’s as easy as that.

Oh, and block the original poster so they can’t call you out.

Credit is for losers who can’t afford a car.

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Pictured: The bad boy.

Speling and profrading

Do you use autocorect? Lmao, get out nerd.

Winners dont have time to profread or focus on correcting errorss theymake while typing fast. If anyone points this out, call them what they are

A grammar naiz.

Your too busy wining Linkedin, hearts and minds.

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I really wish my mum would stop texting me.

Measure your di- performance. 

If you’re a marketing executive reading this, my condolences. This is going to be a hard post to reword and repurpose.

Remember, you have to make sure whatever you post will be "acceptable". But you also need "engagement" measured through likes.

Otherwise, the head honchos (or grand fromages, as the french say) will figure out social media engagement is only good for pretty graphs.

So, to keep them off the scent, measure your success by how many colleagues like the post. It's much easier.

And, you can’t be fired if your boss gave it a like. Can you?

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I love hard work, I avoid it for hours. 

Assert your superiority.

What if all else fails, you can’t think of anything easy to say or steal, but you still want the great unwashed to pay tribute to you?

Bloody remind them who is #mommabear.

Can THEY get up at 5am to sell aloe vera products?

Do THEY buy themselves a new car with their easily attainable and realistic OTE?

Will THEY find the hot singles in their area?

Of course they can’t, they’re NPCs in your life.

Tell them how insignificant and rubbish they are under the guise of “motivation”, it’s only natural those at the bottom should look up.

Because honestly.

Who actually cares about the reader?

Follow my advice, and you can’t go wrong.*

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*“Are you for real?”

Of course not.

 

This article originally appeared on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-write-rubbish-linkedin-posts-tim-wood-/

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