I like my audiences how I like my toilet stall doors, as I relieve myself at a grotty service station.
You see, when I’m ripping off paper one sheet at a time to cover the seat, I’m often thinking about how to boost my metrics even more.
The Bible may say “turn the other cheek”, but it never said “let them get germy”. And I would know, my dad’s a vicar.
Because you can’t just “do sh*t”. You have to know what you’re doing.
So straighten your tie, slick back your hair, and follow me.
You can’t possibly fail.
It’s all about the company updates.
Don’t kid yourself. People don’t care about entertaining, informative content.
So leave perverse things like humour to the “creatives”. There’s a reason they all share communes together.
Because there’s nothing an audience wants more than cold hard facts about your business.
- Did your CEO squeeze themselves into a penguin suit for a not-at-all paid for award?
- Have you rewarded employees for their 10th consecutive profit boosting year with a subsidised fruit hamper?
- Has your business been in existence for a specified number of years?
Tell us that. Please.
Here’s some examples.
- Boris collected an award for best recruitment agency on behalf of us at an award hosted by his brother. #awards #trendsetters #boris
- It’s our 10th year at a 6.9% profit increase, as a treat all employees get half price fruit today! #generosity #teamwellbeing
- We’re 6 years old today! #careaboutus #please
This is all quality content, and it needs to be put out immediately with everyone from the company liking it. That’s success, and it’s measurable.
“You’re sooo cultured, Brett”.
As I’ve mentioned in other #timfluential content, the audience is grateful to have something to read. It doesn’t have to be interesting to them in any way, so just let them have it.
Follow “brand guidelines” without question.
You *absolutely* must not stand out.
There’s a reason the herd survives, but the lone content marketer gets eaten by lions.
You have to play it safe because you *cannot* afford to put even one person off.
Remember the golden rule. There are over 7 billion people on the planet, and every single one of them is a future customer.
Fortunately for both of us, I don’t need to give you the answers.
People much more qualified and experienced have given them to you already.
That’s right, your senior leadership committee.
Today we’re discussing “diversity”.
They’ve had meetings to decide what font and colours best convey the mission of your company. Usually Arial, with shades of blue and grey. The professional choice.
For special occasions, and to really make a statement, you can make your text bold.
Another important component of your marketing is the “tone of voice” you use. There’s no purpose to this, you just have to get it right.
Illustrate this for yourself by holding your nose and speaking.
Now take that online and make it more corporate. Your audience will LOVE you for it.
“Just a few comments”.
When it comes to social media comments, be careful not to step out of line.
This one’s simple. You really only need two stock responses.
For nice comments, reply with: “Thanks, [name]”.
This shows you are personable, and your company values feedback. This also builds goodwill with the potential customer, and no doubt in several years they will remember this and buy from you.
Or maybe someone’s taken issue with your post? Ignore, and delete. That’ll show them.
“And this is how you report someone for hate speech”.
Free speech can stay on Facebook.
Memes? In your dreams.
Memes are childish, immature, and inappropriate.
Stick with stock photos instead.
They’re much more appropriate.
Rather not have to think about this stuff at all? We’ve got a package for that.
This article originally appeared on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-make-your-linkedin-page-engaging-badly-tim-wood-/